Thrift store shopping, it's a thing.

I’m a dandy. This would not be a problem if I were not a broke ass college student as well. I’ve always envied the people who can carry all their belongings with them but I like having, well, more stuff than that. So, having stripped my clothes collection down to what can comfortably fit in a standard closet, I decided I would only spend $150 on clothes and shoes this year. By shopping carefully (i.e., sales and thrifting) I’m going to do my damndest to meet my goal.

The reasons I find this reasonable is I have ready access to hand-me downs at appropriate times and the ability to make clothes. Having a wardrobe full of stuff I like means I can focus on buying only amazing things. But, I have many issues with shopping. My primary concern is our world’s dependence on slave labor. And you can sit there and say “nuh-unh! None of my stuff is made by slaves!” or you can wake the fuck up. Apple products, Hershey, Old Navy, Victoria’s Secret, and pretty much every company ever uses slave labor or pays their workers substandard wages. Try to make a men’s dress shirt (about 6 hours of work for a newbie), then ask how a better quality, better made shirt is only $20 at H&M. Work on a farm picking produce, then ask how tomatoes and lettuce are so cheap. Because those things are labor intensive, so a stock of cheap labor is the only thing needed to make them affordable.

I’ll be keeping a list to see if I can do it and still look amazing. And that’s not really going that hard. Because I’m a sexy beast.

Educate yourself:

Products that are most likely made with Child or Forced Labor.

5 Giant Companies that rely on Slave Labor

Buying these things used is risky, gross, or both.

How to take a stand against sweatshops.

If you want to ignore the reality of our society or forget it.

-Jen

Awkward Relationship Question #3

"A cuddle is a cuddle; touch the bits and you're in trouble."

Where is the line between cuddling and foreplay?

Apparently there is a small debate over what kind of cuddling is affectionate enough. It seems to me that cuddling implies a passive languid type of mood. If you’re “ aggressively cuddling” you may actually be engaging in foreplay. I’m going to go with the belt being the line for $800, Alex. If you are worried that you may be crossing the line, just recite the title in case it’s too awkward to put this chart on the bedroom wall.

Just in case there is any confusion, we've made a chart that you can print out for easy reference.

Cuddling	Foreplay
Stroking your partner’s hair.	Tugging your partner’s hair.
Kissing their forehead/cheek/shoulder.	Kissing that spot behind their ear/on their collarbone. . .
Stroking their back.	Stroking their inner thigh.
Holding their hand.	Holding their __________.
Asking if they are comfortable.	Asking if you can spank them.
Cupping your partner’s boob.	Pinching your partner’s nipple.
Taking a break to go get a drink or snack.	Taking a break because you ran out of salt for the body shots.
Moving under the blankets.	Moving under the sweater. ;)

Awkward relationship questions, brought to you by the fact that this was actually a real thing.

Crush of the Week- Elise Andrews

Who?

Elise Andrews, the founder and moderator of I fucking love science. Which you may have heard of since it has over 6.7 million likes.

1) She's British. Mmmmmm, accents.

2) When she linked to her Twitter in March 2013, people lost their minds. "A cute girl liking science?! That's absurd!"* "What do you mean girls can swear casually?!"* and the like. She just thought they were dumb because there was a picture on her page the whole time.

3) Nerds. Swoon. Nerd love forever.

4) She's a ginger with a sassy bob.

5) She fucking loves science. Duh.

*Not actual quotes.

Your argument is invalid

Jen: The Bible bans homosexuality. This is the argument I hear most from people trying to tell me why I (and others like me) shouldn't be allowed to enjoy equal rights. This references many different places in the Tanakh where homosexuality is listed as an abomination like bestiality, and those who commit it should be put to death. Namely "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination." (Leviticus 20:13).

So there are several things wrong with you spouting Biblical verses at me like incantations defending traditional marriage. Usually, the response is along the lines of other laws from Leviticus concerning only owning slaves from other countries (Leviticus 25:44)or the marriage no longer involves polygamy (Leviticus 18:18) or rapist and victim (Deuteronomy), blah, blah, blah.

Here’s my problems with quoting religion in your defense of marriage. So you are arguing with people who do not follow your specific religion a large portion of the time. And while you expect us to keep up with your convoluted spouting of Bible passages, for most people (not just gays) they aren’t going to study the Bible to tell you how dumb you sound. And I don’t blame them.

Firstly, no one is trying to make YOUR church marry LGBT individuals if it does not wish to. Our issue is with government sanctioned unions also called marriages. A marriage performed by a priest/pastor/rabbi has a religious aspect to it. And if a LGBT couple wants that in their union, they will find a church/synagogue/place of worship that will do it. What we are actually talking about is a government sanctioned relationship that will allow us to be able to share our lives with the person we love. And to get benefits and not be harassed and not be thrown out of restaurants because of who we are. We don’t want to go to a church where we aren’t wanted anyway. We aren’t wanted lots of places we have to go, we’re not going to add optional places we aren't wanted onto that list.

Secondly, I have never had a Jewish person tell me that being gay is wrong. Not once. Never seen them protesting Pride events, never been glared at, nada. And the really amusing part of that for me is that the verses Christians quote defending traditional marriage are from the Old Testament. Which, for Christians a major tenet of your faith is that Jesus Christ died on the cross to keep you from having to follow those 613 mitzvahs listed in the Tanakh. Once more, follow along: according to your beliefs Jesus died so that we can be gay. And eat pork. And not have to make a sacrifice after we come in contact with a dead person. Great guy. And a Jew, actually, so you can stop hating them too if that’s on your list. If you are Jewish, the only actual prohibition is against men lying with men because it wastes sperm, and that’s not cool apparently. Personally, you can waste as much as you want, I have no use for it. Also: Catholics, NO SPERM WASTING!

Which lead me to my last point. We live in a secular nation, not a religious state. This country was not founded by religious men, but men who wanted a nation where no one religion got to rule. Which means that your religion, while it’s great and all, has no bearing on my life if I am not a member of your religion. The best thing about this for me is this one fact: you can buy pork in Israel. You can buy a food the state religion does not allow. Why? Because they understand that they can not force everyone to abide by things that their religion prohibits.

Your religion does not allow you to act on homosexual urges, and whether you have them or not, or act on them or not is none of my business. My religious beliefs do not prohibit me from being in a meaningful, loving relationship that is focused on more than my partner’s genitals. Until then, I forgive you for hating me. And you’re not going to be invited to my big gay wedding.


We'll let Patton Oswalt further explain: 

Awkward Relationship Question #2

So we’ve all hit that point where we know it won’t work with someone. And usually, you would like to think that you’ll be able to handle it calmly through a face to face conversation, hug and go about your day. Sometimes though, there are exigent circumstances. They might be a crazy person, you might be a coward, or some level of abuse, or it’s really fucking far to their house and you don’t even like them that much. And you are faced with a moral dilemma: When is it okay to say you want to stop seeing someone not in person?

Text- Before the third date. I think while you still deem your relationship casual. Before the use of relationshippy titles.

Also: potential stalker behavior.

Written- Before the fifth date.

Sidenote: If I’m breaking up with someone via note, it would probably be on a bar receipt taped to their door. Or bike.

Well phrased email- Same as text message

Shittily phrased email- Never. Use your grammar reference, asshat.

Phone call- Tertiary relationships, and those still deemed casual by both parties. They live more than an hour from you. I also think that if the person is abusive/over-reactive to the point of potentially being suicidal then it is permissible to break up with them over the phone.

Abusive, actually, just dump their stuff on the sidewalk. Not in front of your apartment, another apartment. In another state.

Through a friend/relative- 8th grade relationships or lower. Grow the fuck up.

Leaving their stuff on their porch- At any point, but only if they exhibit horrible dating behavior repeatedly AND you have discussed this behavior with them (no, hints don’t count) and they still suck. Note may or may not be included.

Calling them to come over and when they get there all their stuff is on the sidewalk- Never. Exception: Abusive, see phone call.

On Facebook- See through friend/relative.

Awkward Relationship questions: brought to you by the letters W, T and F.

Crush of the week- Nate Silver

Nerd crush forever. This last election, I was so stressed for 18 months before hand, that Nate Silver's FiveThirtyEight and his love of math were my Prozac. It rapidly became my most opened tab on Chrome.. Five times a day, not including when I would see him on television, explaining this radical concept called math and how it affects our lives. Luckily, he was right about nearly everything.

His love of math and baseball led to him developing PECOTA (Player Empirical Comparison and Optimization Test Algorithm, if you care) as a hobby, which he then sold to MLB and made drafting players for you fantasy league so much simpler. That's right, he quit a well paying job so he could make fantasy baseball stats more reliable. Swoon.

We didn't hear about him much in 2008, because he missed one state in the election, but after 2012, he became a (liberal) household name. He also spawned #NateSilverFacts and #DrunkNateSilver. The man is a meme! 

He's not a bad ass, but he is Lord and G-d of the algorithm. And 

I almost wish it were election time again, just so I could listen to him talk about algorithms and probability on my favorite shows again. But with baseball season among us, and DOMA in the Supreme Court, until then I'll just read his blog and dream. It's unlikely that we'll ever be together, well, because we're both gay. Although, he does look like a cute queer girl sometimes. Hmmmmm. 

Maybe I'll just email him and ask what the probability of us dating is.

-Jen

Pictures of Cute Baby Animals!

Now that we are all gathered here, I would like to draw your attention to a serious issue. Flavored coffee. This lie has been going on for so long, we don’t even know who to blame any more. Because you know what? It’s not flavored, it’s scented coffee. They are forcing us to get all excited about shitty, potpourried coffee beans that give us all heartburn and force us to wonder if we are the only ones who can’t actually taste the hazelnut. No, you aren’t. Unless you have Synesthesia and you can taste smells, in which case, carry on.

I can hear the nay-sayers claiming that they use French Vanilla creamer and their coffee tastes and smells like French Vanilla. My issue isn’t with flavored creamers in this instance, as they are flavored but certainly not cream. So, let us all stop buying shitty coffee and force these horrible, lying companies to actually add real bits of hazelnut or orange peel or whatever the crap they claim the coffee tastes like. Or learn to drink coffee that actually tastes like coffee. The choice is ours.

Here are the cute baby animals I promised you.

-Jen

War! What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing.

So, we're thinking about intervening in Syria now? I know I'm not privy to all the things Obama and his wondrous advisers are, but I did properly sense the tide change after 9-11, pre-Iraq. I don't understand how this is even a serious consideration, given how over-committed we are in the the Middle East already. And they totally wanted our help then too.

Oh.

Wait, they didn't? Are you sure?

Why is it not okay for Assad to attack his own people, while I sit here in the land of the free, with my calls and voicemails being monitored, with my rights against unlawful detainment torn from me, where the police no longer actually need a warrant to invade my car, my home or myself?

Are there bored drones right now? Because Pakistan is a pretty big country, and I'm sure there are more civilians there that may have ties to Al-Qaeda.

Or maybe you're out of people to torture and illegally detain in Guantanamo?

With the way our government has been acting this century, I understand why they hate us, and son't actually want our "help".

This Awkward thing. . .

So today, around 1 pm, I got on the el to go to the library. Two stops later, a woman gets on in the opposite facing seat, so if I glance up from the cheerful reading that is my Vietnam classwork, we will make eye contact.

First, she begins to feed her nearly naked toddler. Spaghetti-o's from the looks of it. What struck me as odd, besides the fact that maybe both of them should be more appropriately dressed for public was that the woman would take a bite, then feed her child a bite. Um, 1-that's not actually food. 2- If you are not a child, why are you eating your child's food?

Then, after lunch was complete, her friend came in with her child, and they all began to talk. And the woman then takes her child out of the stroller and bathes her with diaper wipes. What the hell is going on? And I can't stare, because I'm in the awkward eye catching seat. And I am not old enough to sufficiently shame someone with a meaningful glare.

Eight stops later and the girl has had her full toilette completed. She is now wearing shoes and a diaper and her mother drags her off the subway.

Why do you find that normal? Why would you subject others to seeing that you don't have it together? No one else does, but at least we dress ourselves and whatever other humans we are responsible for before we leave the fucking house. Then other people think we know what is going on and we're responsible adults, at least for a little bit.

Awkward Relationship Question #1

Why the hell do our friends (and families) meet our partner/person we are dating/what-the-fuck-ever and say that they’re great and they like them and blah blah blah, then then after you’ve stopped seeing each other, they state that they always thought the other party was weird/not right for you/psychotic?

I think it’s more a third party perspective issue. I have done this, possibly twice in my life. Generally, I believe that it is a friend’s job to state any hesitations, if they are large enough to be a cause for concern, then stay the fuck out of your friend's relationship. Especially since the point when you find out that your friends, who apparently magically NEVER LIKED THIS PERSON WITH YOU AND THEY WERE LYING THE WHOLE TIME, is generally when you are not yet over that person and think that maybe there may be some snowball’s chance in hell of it still working out.

I actually told one of my friends that I thought his new partner had jealousy issues the first time I met her. 1) I was right, 2) They've been married for years now, and 3) She and I are very good friends because she knows that she can always trust me to tell my honest opinion. All because I called her a bunny boiler.  

Awkward relationship questions. Brought to you by the letters : W, T and F.

Crush of the Week- Anne Burrell.

So, if you don't watch the Food Network, you probably have no freaking idea who this is. And that's sad. Here are some fun facts about this sassy blonde chef and why I keep crushing on her.

1. Yes, her hair always looks like that. But at least with all that hairspray in it, there's no way she'll shed into the delicious food she just made for you.
2. Her boobs defy gravity. Seriously, she's stacked and the only thing perkier than her, is the twins.
3. She will make somebody cry as an executive chef. Her yelling at people she's trying to teach to cook is exciting and terrifying.
4. Yet on her other show she says things like "cutie" (for tiny vegetables) and "rammies" (ramekins) without ever being annoying or condescending like Giada DiLaurentis (ugh) and Rachel Ray (ugh^2)
5. She's a self confessed "thigh girl". I respect that. ;)
6. She wears amazing looking high heels, but only when she wants to, and not in the kitchen, because that's dumb.
7. Mario Batali trusts her enough to have her as his sous chef on Iron Chef.
8. She made Anderson Cooper like Brussels Sprouts.
9. She genuinely loves food. When she eats something and she really likes it, she does this little happy food dance. Sometimes, she tries to catch herself, but it always sneaks out. And it's freakin' adorbs.
10. She is 3-0 in kicking male chef's butts on Worst Cooks in America, where she so generously teaches people how to not fail at cooking.
11. Oh, yeah. She's gay.

-Jen

Holy crap, it's another Jen blog!

Well, actually, it's my original blog. I left my old posts on, and moved over the ones I wrote from awkward. I miss blogging, and I miss getting to send my thoughts out into the world, regardless of who is reading them. I do have quite a bit of hesitancy about listing this on my LinkedIn though. I swear a lot. It happens. So, I hope you'll manage to bear with me while I try to figure out timing and posts while I continue my 9 gabillion* other things that are going on in my life right now.

Jen






*this number is an estimate

Another thing.

Another thing I hate? Birds. Why is it that these mother fuckers start chirping outside my window at 4:30 in the morning? It's still dark out. Does the Greater Northeast have uglier birds that can only get mates in the dark? Actually come to think of it, the people up here are like that too. 

And I can't escape them. I just want to sleep in and these demented birds follow me around the city. Even when I'm not in the burbs, every morning before 5 am, this is what I get:

I need a gun. 

Spring sucks.

Every year people start complaining when spring hits. They're all wistful in the depths of winter for the joy of warm, sunny days. Well guess what? Spring is horrible. It's either cold and sunny, or warm and rainy. Every. Damn. Year.

Oh, and it's always a "bad allergy season". Oh, those warm sunny days you want? They're in the end of May. If we're lucky and it doesn't skip straight to Summer with it's 90 degree days. It's nice right now, but then it'll drop below 50 again and everyone will get their britches in a twist all over again. In the past week it's been below freezing and damn close to 90. April showers are not supposed to be thunderstorms.

Also, in the Spring, people start acting CRAZY. The first 70+ weekend day, people get all day drunk and rushed. This weekend I was cut off repeatedly, saw pedestrians walk in to traffic, nearly getting hit by cars, a motorcycle drive the wrong way down a one way street, and various cars driving on the wrong side of the road looking for parking. I also saw a thug do a cartwheel, which was actually kind of amazing.

Spring is like your really attractive bipolar ex. Every time you guys split up, you're glad all summer. Happy when fall hits, then in winter, you start to thing, hey maybe Spring isn't so bad. Remember those 3 days out of 90 where it was awesome? Maybe I should give her a call. Then you take her back. Every Year. Well that's a 3% awesome ratio. There's a lot of suck happening there and then you bitch about it.

Spring will be here whether I like it or not, but I'm not going to sit here and pretend it's awesome or that I missed it. And I'm totally going to say I told you so next year when you start bitching about getting back together with spring. Hopefully it'll soon be May and we can get with the too hot drought having summer.

-Jen